Whip out the anaconda in your pants and watch her eyes light up with excitement
February 25th 2008 01:38
I don’t object to advertising per se. I’m open to being tempted by a new product just as much as the next person. I frequently page through the flyers in my postbox and sometimes seek out a product based on an alluring sales pitch. I have even been known to acquire an irrational loyalty to a particular brand based on a television advertisement that for one or another reason, has tickled a deeply unconscious fancy.
However, I am becoming increasingly annoyed by the repeated spam emails that arrive in my box that variously invite me to ‘whip out the anaconda in my pants and watch her eyes light up with excitement,’ or to ‘make her scream with delight all night long.’ I also do not appreciate being informed on a regular basis that ‘my new penis has arrived,’ or being beguiled with such fanciful enticements that suggest there will be ‘no room in my pants once I try this product.’
For starters, I don’t have a penis. And even if I did, I cannot imagine it would come with such a low IQ that I might be susceptible to believing such exaggerated claims would fall within the realms of fair and reasonable advertising standards. Of course advertising is cleverly designed to appeal to our weaknesses, to play on our insecurities and to suggest that we would be much happier, better looking and more popular if we simply went out and bought this product, which if you buy it now… comes with all sorts of added extras I did not know I needed so much until this moment.
I understand that men have been brainwashed into believing that bigger is better when it comes to the Johnson department, and these emails simply prey on the erroneous assumption that women won’t be interested in a man with an average – or even under-average sized weiner.
Let me assure all those lovely fellas out there, who are presumably the target of such advertising, that if you really are interested in having a woman’s eyes ‘light up with excitement,’ there are a whole host of much cheaper and less invasive tactics one might adopt, let’s say as a trial run, to get the romance going. Entertaining, witty repartee, for example, or a genuine interest in listening, or some fine motor co-ordination with parts of the body above the waist, will most assuredly light up any woman’s eyes, without the indignity of having one’s Johnson’s size and endurance capacity artificially enhanced. Moreover, speak to any woman - length is irrelevant. It's the width that matters. It's a simple matter of volumetric displacement. This is basic physics.
Last night, however, the advertisers really took it up a notch. Not only did I receive an invitation to ‘start 2008 with a larger, stronger penis with an all natural solution!’ but I received two photos: before and after, which, I simply could not reproduce here, as they could cause someone to choke or pose a serious health hazard to someone with a pace-maker. I mean, really, people. In the appropriate context, I have a very fond relationship with male genitals and don’t – as some women report –find them ugly, serpent-like or worthy of a short sharp shriek. However, to find these images – unsolicited – in my inbox (no pun intended) alongside my ‘inspirational message of the day from Neale Donald Walsh’ and letters from my dearest mother, is pushing me too far.
How do these people get my email address and how can I ask them to stop sending me these invitations which simply make me grateful, more and more, to be a woman?
www.joannefedler.com
However, I am becoming increasingly annoyed by the repeated spam emails that arrive in my box that variously invite me to ‘whip out the anaconda in my pants and watch her eyes light up with excitement,’ or to ‘make her scream with delight all night long.’ I also do not appreciate being informed on a regular basis that ‘my new penis has arrived,’ or being beguiled with such fanciful enticements that suggest there will be ‘no room in my pants once I try this product.’
For starters, I don’t have a penis. And even if I did, I cannot imagine it would come with such a low IQ that I might be susceptible to believing such exaggerated claims would fall within the realms of fair and reasonable advertising standards. Of course advertising is cleverly designed to appeal to our weaknesses, to play on our insecurities and to suggest that we would be much happier, better looking and more popular if we simply went out and bought this product, which if you buy it now… comes with all sorts of added extras I did not know I needed so much until this moment.
I understand that men have been brainwashed into believing that bigger is better when it comes to the Johnson department, and these emails simply prey on the erroneous assumption that women won’t be interested in a man with an average – or even under-average sized weiner.
image courtesy of www.dkimages.com
Let me assure all those lovely fellas out there, who are presumably the target of such advertising, that if you really are interested in having a woman’s eyes ‘light up with excitement,’ there are a whole host of much cheaper and less invasive tactics one might adopt, let’s say as a trial run, to get the romance going. Entertaining, witty repartee, for example, or a genuine interest in listening, or some fine motor co-ordination with parts of the body above the waist, will most assuredly light up any woman’s eyes, without the indignity of having one’s Johnson’s size and endurance capacity artificially enhanced. Moreover, speak to any woman - length is irrelevant. It's the width that matters. It's a simple matter of volumetric displacement. This is basic physics.
Last night, however, the advertisers really took it up a notch. Not only did I receive an invitation to ‘start 2008 with a larger, stronger penis with an all natural solution!’ but I received two photos: before and after, which, I simply could not reproduce here, as they could cause someone to choke or pose a serious health hazard to someone with a pace-maker. I mean, really, people. In the appropriate context, I have a very fond relationship with male genitals and don’t – as some women report –find them ugly, serpent-like or worthy of a short sharp shriek. However, to find these images – unsolicited – in my inbox (no pun intended) alongside my ‘inspirational message of the day from Neale Donald Walsh’ and letters from my dearest mother, is pushing me too far.
How do these people get my email address and how can I ask them to stop sending me these invitations which simply make me grateful, more and more, to be a woman?
www.joannefedler.com
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Comment by JP Shaw
Sassy Ink Author
Parent Writer
Great post!
xoxo Jo
Comment by grumpy
Psyche Science
Grumpys Blog
Photography Craft
If you don't want it trawled, you have to write it out anti spam fashion and make people to type it into their mail client.
if you use a "mailto:" you are giving it away to spam robots.
too late now, however. Just change the first part to something different then do the no spam thing.
Like: jo(at)joannefedler.com
If you are an "out there" person on the web like me then you just have to have a private and a public email address, and expect spam.
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
I recently changed my email, enduring all the inconveniences and frustrations that went hand-in-hand with doing this, just to get away from all the spam my email address was attracting. Especially the offers to enlarge my non-existant penis and supply me with a lifetime's supply of "genuine" Rolex watches.
Great post.
A.
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
I'd suggest opening a new private email address.
Also, some email providers do hefty spam filtering... my yahoo account gets almost no spam.
I've gotten that penis email with the two photos. That was definitely unnecessary.
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
In all the posts, in all of Orble, I couldn't agree with any of them as much as this one (well apart from some of my own)...*chuckle* It is an isiduious industry, no doubt spurned by the same illness as that which preys on flat chested women (not that I have that problem, mind)... but all of it is erroneous, exactly as you say.
BRAVO!
Sadly though, such is the mindset in some of our sex, that I’m sure I don’t speak for all women when I say this, and indeed have sat on the edge of much female 'society,' because I have long since held the view that, '..you cannot measure a man by inches.'
I am really glad you have spoken out.
Lilla ...
Comment by Joanne Fedler
Secret Writers Business
Cheers, Lilla - I think we need to give the blokes a little break here - when is big enough big enough? Honestly, size does not make up for fumbling, inefficiency or lack of enthusiasm. Give me a bloke who understands that the world does not begin and end with his own equipment, and who makes it his business to know his way around a woman's body and I am his... well, not his, since I am married to the wonderful Zed, but his in spirit ...
Jo